Derik Casts The Batman Sequels!!!! - The New Hollywood

As Blogmaster of Bloggaroo Banzai, I am compelled to drive for the greatest movie coverage I could possibly strive for. We here at Bloggaroo Banzai don't just aim to bring you genius movie news, interviews, posters, and the like. We want to bring you daring, state of the edge film analysis you won't find anywhere else. Here at Bloggaroo, you'll begin to see many new faces pop up as we bring more people into the fold, I and many other college-level writer's (none of that CrySpace crap here), with attempt to deliver the harshest of critiques to the system.

These columns, which will chronicle how our team feels about filmaking today, and namely: what we would do if we created....

THE NEW HOLLYWOOD

So without further ado, I present you the flagship installment in this noteworthy series: Who I'D cast in MY Batman movie!


Batman Villians

By Derik Dragamuffin

Alright, first things first. A lot of a-holes out there are gonna have a real big problem with my personal vision of The Bat himself. Now these people just simply don't know Batman like I do, being (self-proclaimed) Bat-Fan # 1. I have every toy and nearly every comic. Plus, there's a whole Batman shelf on my DVD wall. All of my underwear is first-hand Bat emblazened. I think I've got a pretty good understanding of the mind of Bruce Wayne (True Fact: Batman doesn't really like being called Bruce Wayne, the playboy persona really being the disguise. I just had to use it for alliteration).

Now, let me get some facts straightened out about my Batman. First of all, Batman can beat anybody. It's a carnal rule you can't disobey. EVER. Unless you're doing a Year One story, in which Batman MUST make mistakes (fucking Nolan can't even show Batman slipping up in his youth? Assfasmac!) But otherwise he always has a contingency plan (and would beat Superman anyday one of the month, even Smarch.)

Second, no love interests except Catwoman! Now while Catwoman isn't Batman's equal (I think we all know why, man), she is the only one that bring him a raging boner. End of story. Anyone that suggests he's gay is getting shived, ARKHAM prison rules. Batman doesn't fight to save the girl, that's some lame Spiderman shit. Don't make The Bat a man of pussy.

Third, Batman must be DARK. neither Tim Burton, Nolan, even Frank Miller have captured the brutal darkness that should be Batman on film. I'm talking The Mad Hatter is a fucking pedophile that molests little blonde girls, and Killer Croc rapes the shit out of the Penguin right at the endo f the movie when they become cell mates. And The Joker kills a kid. Acid. It'll be pretty nasty. The flesh will melt back, and you can see the kid's teeth. Oooo, and then he goes to cry "Mommy!" but his tongue has started to dissolve, so it's sounds like a muffled "Lolly!" but with Pop Rocks sound.

With production nearing beginning on The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's sequel to Batman Begins, many are abuzz about the recent casting of "Heap" Ledger and "Airhorn" Eckhart as The Joker and Two-Face, respectively? As sources tell me the city of Chicago braces for the invasion of the Batmobiles (apparently they use for than one Tumbler for the film, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for a multi-Bat car chase. Maybe Joker could hack into one, it worked for The Penguin.) As Bat-Fan #1, many come up to me on the street, asking me who I'd cast if my Bat-film were to ever be conceived by the illiterant minds at Warner Bros. Well, never fear, dear read, for I present these choices now.

Now, as stated, some of you are probably going to disagree, but hey: this isn't no Schumaker Batman. I have a very specific vision for my my inevitable Bat movie will be, an amalgam of 50+ Bat History put through a duck press. And now, on with the choices (brought to life via my professional photoshop community class skills).

TOBIN BELL as Mr. Freeze


Who better to play The Captain of Cold, but Saw himself? Proving onscreen, that his sadistic heart pumps cold blood in the classic trilogy, Bell is the perfect type of veteran character actor that could bring the icey vengeance of Dr. Victor Fries to life. As a bonus, contract Bell's onscreen apprentice Shawnne Smith to don the cryo as wife Norah Fries.

ELISHA CUTHBERT as Poison Ivy


A doll and major loss to the cast of 24, Cuthbert has yet to fully realize her hidden darkness on film. Sure she played the stricken-to-fight heroine of House of Wax (in case you're wondering, it's one of that very film's scenes I manipped here), but even the heroine of a great slasher doesn't get downright evil. Displaying the curvatures needed for such a seductive role, Cuthbert is an obvious choice, even moreso when the new-classic Captivity hits screens (the billboards, man.... amazing) and she emerges as the bankable babe.

KEVIN JAMES as King Tut


One of the most sadly under-used Bat-villians, James would don the pharoah head thingy as first choice Chris Farley has been long dead ("Living in a van down by the river!!!!" Sorry, couldn't resist). The King of Queens would play as the King of Kings perfectly, displaying the chops (literally and metaphorically) as the funny but sensitive sidekick in Hitch, he'd be fabulous for the megalomaniac emperor.

JON HEDER as The Mad Hatter


I can just picture it now: Batman & Robin tied, hanging above a gigantic boiling teecup. Heder would sneer that infamous sneer. "It's tea time, Batman! Gosh!"

HALLE BERRY as Catwoman


If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

BRITTANY MURPHY as Harley Quinn


Glowing in comedies and weeping in deep drama, Murphy has the range AND the experience with comic book material to nail the Clown Princess of Crime. A nice tight leather red and black suit, formed around every vivacious crevice, outlining and highlighting every jiggle and wobble. Mmmmmm.... Murphy.

DAVID LYNCH as The Joker


Many have suggested Crispin Glover before, but I'll go one better: David Lynch. For one, Lynch is fond of his fans, having sent me down the right spiritual path, while Crispin was douche because I didn't buy his poster. You'll get yours. It's about time Lynch got before the camera, and he sports the correct hair and grimace needed for the Joker, much unlike Heap. Go check out Lynch's Eraserhead DVD, here, sit back and listen to his interview. Then picture him as The Joker. BOOM! Goes the Dynamite!.

So, there you have it dear reader. Which do you really want? This fabulous incarnation or Nolan's watered down Miller-wannabe? I challenge you, Christopher Nolan, and THE NEW HOLLYWOOD of Bloggeroo Banzai challenges you, to step up, hit the pitch, and home run the best god damn Batman movie you can. Fire those lamewoids before you make a mistake even graver than jettisoning David S. Goyer from production.

And that is how I see.... The New Hollywood.

Derik Dragamuffin. Out.