A CLOCKWORK ORANGE

BLOGGAROO BANZAI TREASURES

As we;'re ever blowing up at Bloggaroo Banzai, today I take pride in introducing a new feature - BLOGGAROO TREASURES. Once a week, me or another member of the growing Bloggaroo Team will recommend five films that you need to see immediately.



Detroit Rock City (19999


Why this movie didn't make the amount of cash as some other, lamer 70s inspired films like Dazed & Confused is beyond me. Perfectly captures the look and feel of an old school KISS concert (my Dad can verify the anthenticity of this). So, if you're a fan of KISS, hell even if you're not. This movie captures the essence that is Rock N Roll. Not all that new crap that sounds the same. Vintage bands like AC/DC, Ozzy, or, say, Golden Earring (for the alternative folks). HAIR METAL. The rebellious attitude towards authority , the raw outlook of destruction, the glorified women, it was all there. Not like this rap shit today that's all "The Man has got me down", Glock 9s, and "bitches and hoes". How music evolved into this crap is beyond me.

Solid direction, one of the freshest comedic performances of the decade in James DeBallo, and witty observational humor (the gang gloats the idea of KISS doing a Disco song, when, in fact, a year after the film's events they released "I Was Made For Lovin' You) make Detroit Rock City a classic you'll want to deaf-buy today.



Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course


Shortly after the great Steve Irwin passed, I decided it was time to revisit CH:CC. After a lengthy trek of searching it down, I finally located it in the $5.50 Bin at Wal Mart. I urge you all to go spend the same $5.50, as it's probably one of the best deals you're going to get.

I hadn't forgotten The Crocodile Hunter's fearlessness, but what I had forgotten was his imbeccackble comic timing. He mugs to the camera, improving linesl eft and right while fighting terrorists. It's a blast! His wife Terri is ever hot, the HD of the DVD highlighting every Hot Mark. Sadly, their child Binkie is nowhere to be found (probably just wasn't safe, especially after Steve's baby controversy from before).

At first the Crocodile Hunter starts out like your average episodeo f his classic TV show (I'm still waitingo n the DVD season sets myself). When terrorists lose a tracking device in a croc's mouth, they have to get it back. Well not on Steve's watch! I can see why they decided to put this in theatres (it's not every day you come acros terrorism in the outback), but how Homeland Security put the lid on his showdown with Al Qaeda is beyond me.

Check it out if you want to see the true heroism of Steve Irwin, a great man. (any bashers can A) Get jobs. B) Fucking die. C) He was a hero.


A Fistful of Yen

Another gem I discovered in the Wal Mart $5.50 bins, this film is so rare it doesn't even have a listing on the IMDB (I think it was Canadian made says the DVD). If you like Kung Fu fighting, a pretty Grindhouse type of movie, you have to have seen this movie. A CLASSIC (obviously, or we wouldn't be here), people just start fighting for no reason other than a bowl a food. Seriously, a guy walks in, asks if he can eat with some of the kung fu gentleman, and they just fight! With a snazzier title sequence than most kung fu films, and a score that lovingly tributes the works of John Williams, and whoever did the Halloween score (there are parts when it sounds EXACT). Go check it out, and it's sequel (In Name Only?) For Another Fist of Yen.




Tommorrow Never Dies

Just the most underrated Bond since the Lazenby days. I know most of you have probably sen all the Bond movies, as I clearly have. But this one gets it done with the serie's best villian, played by Jonathyn Pryce. See the film alone for his delivery of such one-lines as "There's no news like bad news." and "But you're just in time to help me finish writing the inaugural story, YOUR obituaries." The film also features rare Bond politico stances ("Yes, sir. As requested, it's full of bugs, which means people will be forced to upgrade for years" TAKE THAT MICROSOFT!).

While the film isn't as awesome as say Die Another Day, Pryce's villian alone rivals Joaquian Phoenix's Gladiator role for best villian of the 90s.

THE NEW HOLLYWOOD - Derik Sets 'Captivity' Free

So there are all these right-wing media douche bags going after Lions Gate and Captivity because parent's are thinking that this Virginia Tech jap saw one and then decided to kill all of those people in our prayers. Now, Pat Robertson and Bill O Reilly are going after Hot Fuzz, a film which is just awesome. This bullshit is just like when Idle Hands got the shaft post-Columbine. Well, FUCK THAT.

People, to really jab it into the right wing phase I urge you to print out your own giant Captivity billboards and put them all over. Look at Japan - Clearly the only solution to violence here is more violence. They're anime is sooooooooo fucked up, that shit is crazier than us. Plus Battle Royale II? 'Nuff said.

I currently have a six foot Elisha Cuthbert in TORTURE Mode hanging from my apartment window. The landlord says we can't do that, but you think I'm going to givre in to these MPAA-propagandas?

People are moaning and crying that these Captivity billboards are out of line. That they don't want their children to see 'em. Well, you know what, if you can't explain torture to your kids, don't have any stupid poop factories! Simple as that. And what about Saw? I guess because that's already proven it's horror classic status that it can slip by, but the marketing there was just as brutal. The Man is trying to keep Cuthbert down, and I won't have it dammit.

I can only dream of a future when everyone isn't so uptight because they can't get over 9/11 (it's been four YEARS, people!), and we can have giant Hostel 3 posters with guts all over Times Square. In 3-D. And if Hostel was sweet. Saw 5.

I've printed out a few of these Captivity posters and handed them out at my local Hot Topic and Spencer's Gifts, and I will continue to plead you all to do the same.

Send me your camera phones of you putting up your own Captivity billboard, because if we don't fight for our movies - all is lost.

And that is how we can create....

THE NEW HOLLYWOOD

Raging Bull

Derik's Grindhouse Review!

Grindhouse, that is the house of Rodriguez/Tarantino Double Features Planet Terror and Death Proof, is sure to get audiences all across the entire world talking about grindhouse. Sure, the film, a masterpiece, (more on that in a sect), is a new kind of theatrical experience. Sure, audiences might get the feel of Grindhouse. But they don't GET Grindhouse, like I do.

It's like this: I was thinking about Grindhouse, before there was Grindhouse. My Mom saw Blacula, WITH me in the womb. So I was practically there, though I doubt Mom let any rats crawl across her stomach, so that part of the experience I can't speak for (a petition to Miramax to release rats into theatres went unanswered.).

Understand that there used to be theatres all across america called Grindhouses. And this chain bled out new movies every week, shipping them out. People got murdered the audiences were so into these movies. Theatres were torn apart and cum all over. Many grindhouses didn't even use real seats, re stocking lawn chairs every night. I heard one didn't even use floor.

Shaft was the first movie to ever feature a black person not playing a slave, so it was a natural outlet for negro audiences tiring of watching Roots on PBS all the freaking time. But not only black people, there were Kung Fu movies, and hick rape movies, and italian zombie fests.

And while I might not have experienced the theatres first hand, video was there to catch me up every step of the way. Sure, I mean, I saw all the classics Tarantino name-drops here, Dirty Mary Crazy Larry, Vanishing Point, when I was like five. And while I can't ID cars, you best believe I knew the make and models in Tarantino's segment.

I have a Foxy Brown poster on my wall, opposite a quite French Dawn of the Dead poster (eBay = awesome). This means that when my audience didn't laugh at the very-grindhouse esque moments of the picture, I was the only one qualified to laugh for ALL of them. And to think that watching a section of the second disc of Jackie Brown could totally educate them. Philistines.

So, anyways. On to the movie. First of all, Grindhouse isn't a movie. It's an experience. And in true blog-form, I bring you:

My Night At The Grindhouse

Fucking April 4th, 2007. GRINDHOUSE!!! Tarantino's return to the fucking camaera, at last! I'm a huge fan (having the Kill Bill script like three years before it came out), so this was an exciting day for me. More exciting than April 1st, 2005 when Tarantino directed a scene in Sin City. Fuck one scene, this was a hole movie!

So I wake up this morning, not at the usual six of lock, but seven. I need to be well rested. GRINDHOUSE!!! Nothing can stop me, I skip a shower, and get to breakfast. Five eggs, three toast, four sausage, and some Frank N. Berry. My banana goes untouched. I hate those.

So I take Grandma, speeding like she hates it, but, hey: GRINDHOUSE!!! I drop her generial ass off and speed to the record store. I need to rebuy my Pacific Gas & Electric album on CD, as my tape was eaten long ago. So I start cruising, rocking GRINDHOUSE and Taco Bell. Then I parked outside the theatre and waited.

After finishing up the burrito supreme and Grindhouse soundtrack, I decided to camp outside. There were plenty of other Grindhousers there, waiting. I would still be the first in the theatre. I walked up to them, totally ignoring the the line.

"GRINDHOUSE!!!"

Some stupid bird looking dude in a jacket: "What?"

"Grindhouse, man, are you here to see it?"

"No, man."

"Well, what're you here for?"

"Spiderman tickets."

The line cheers at the mention of Spiderman. It appears I was first in line after all. I'm not sure what I was thinking, because I started to chat up Kenny, the guy I pay to wait in line and buy these advanced tickets. Two hours until the theatre opens, four hours until GRINDHOUSE, so I had the time.

Next thing I know, I'm in the theatre. Despite not starting for another hour and a half, I buy my popcorn now so it gets stale and old by the time Grindhouse starts. For the total experience. Now for the real dazzlers. A spare Icee I bought is intentionally spilled upon the floor beneath me. Icee's have a way higher syrup content than your average soda, so it' sure to get my row stickier than the norm. After cleaning up, and a beat of screen scrambles, I can't resist the corn, and I snack. I indulge without prejudice, practically digging my maw deep into the paper bag. I declined napkins - rubbing my hands up and down the seats, I get grease everywhere. If only there were a bum urinating himself, it'd be the ultimate GRINDHOUSE!!!! I continue eating the popcorn, but I stop, so it can get a bit stale before the showing, plus movie theater popcorn flares up my migraine headaches.

Big mistake. Almost an hour until Grindhouse and my temples start flaring up. It feels like a dead ringer, too. The kind which makes you vomit. The air conditioning's not helping either. I start to get woozy, the blurred image of Lindsey Lohan getting even blurrier.

Yep, I'm gonna vom. I race down the steps, hoping to make it to the bathroom in time. Would some idiot steal my popcorn while I was gone? Fuck it. I can't make it, but I barf in the trash can at the edge of the screening hall. After emptying out the morning's breakfast, I look up to see a theatre attendee. A fat fuck, he eyes me sympathetically. I wipe the pink drool from my chin, and look him in the eye:

"You don't clean any of this shit up, comprendre?"

Flinging my arms in the air, I did the Grindhouse chant. He was stunned. People later that night would thank me. So I go back to my seat, suck down my slushee because brain freeze always helps a headache, and eventually doze off.

I wake up just in time for the trailers. Not the fake trailers, STUPID, the real ones. Before the movie. But even before Machete, comprende? Fucking what's coming out?

TRAILER 1: We Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry

Fuckin' A. You can't describe this duo's hilarity in words. I wish I could. A comedy fan's wet dream? We'll see. Opening Day.

TRAILER 2: Some thing with Anthony Hopkins

Anthony Hopkins, cinema genius? Fucking die! I mean this dude can't not just play Hannibal Lector for the rest of his life. Get a life, man.

TRAILER 3: Rob Zombie's Halloween

What, no footage? For fuck sakes, at least let us get a glimpse of Sabretooth tearing it up as the new and true Myers!!!!

Then there was a Transformers trailer, but I put my ear muffs and eye pads on because I want to go in cold.

Then.......

GRINDHOUSE!!!!

Fucking here's where everything got gold. Grindhouse fucking rapes, just like the opening moments where Danny Trejo fucks and Mom AND her daughter. Big pimpin' But te fake trailer that is Machete is merely the foreplay. Cheech Marin as Holy Man with a shotgun is like tweeking my nipples before the big score.

And the double orgasm that is Grindhouse begins with the brilliant Planet Terror! Now normally I'm not a fan of Robert Rodriguez, sans Spy Kids 3-D, which is good for a wank (the girl hit puberty, I think).

So anyways, Planet Terror opens with a bang! LOST's Sayid cutting off balls left and right, because that's what this movie's like. Like a girlfriend that cuts your nuts off, makes you wait a few weeks for some play, then only tantalizes you with a mere dildo. But it's a greased up dildo, and folk like Michael Biehn are along for the ride.

Planet Terror, or PT as we industry types call it, is like a theme park ride with spike dildos waitings for you at the end. Each spike dildo represents a member of the cast, and each is just as sharp. Rodriguez pulled out a rogue's gallery from his ass, smearing his fudge packed cast of awesomeness all over the Grindhouse wall. Michael Biehn, Jeff Fahey, Freddy Rodgriguez, Rose McGowan, Michael Parks, Josh Brolin, Fergie -- all Grindhouse staples. Rodriguez shows he can really throw back to the genre, even including the I-thought-he-was-dead-obscure-to-queers Tom Savini (Savini....is that a Jewish name?).

So anyways, I think Planet Terror was about like these military guys that huff this zombie gas to get them high or something, but it didn't matter. GRINDHOUSE!!!! Things explode and smack your ass like it wants you to sue it. By the time the helicopter started slicing off awesome zombie heads, I was ready to shoot my wad, this movie was that sweet. Not since 300, had I seen this type of hardcore assplay.

So Planet Terror ended, and I had to peeeeee, but fuck it. TRAILERS!

Fake fucking trailers! GRINDHOUSE!!!!!

So first up is Rob Zombie's Werewolf of The SS. Fucking amazing as always! I was sad that we didn't get to see some more of Sherri Moon, however (and her delicious ass-crack, nooch). Plus Nicolas Cage.

Then there is Edgar Wright's Don't. Now I am a fan of Shaun of the Dead like no one else. If we had Grindhouses today, it totalyl would've played, and a threeway with these two movies would be much welcome. However, this trailer sucked. First, as everyone knows British movies never had Grindhouse. So why is this here? Shitty, obnoxious narration.

Then there is Eli Roth's Thanksgiving. Eli Roth couldn't direct his way out a paper bag evewn if the light cones he was using were shaped like a big dong.

So now the the for the most part hacks are out of the way. GRINDHOUSE!!!! DEATH PROOF!!!!

Now, I have been a fan of QT since I was a little teenager, seeing Pulp Fiction opening day. It rocked, my mom hated it.

So, when Death Proof happened, you can imagine I was more disappointed than Godzilla 98, than Star Wars 99. Death Proof is a looooooooooooooong and boring, boring piece of crap about little girls. And then Kurt Russell kills people after ragging on cgi. I mean, what the fuck happened, qt? I thought you lovedm ovies here? I never thought that Robert Rodriguez would top Tarantino, but if PT were the ass dildoing, Death Proof is the vaginal penetration trhat never happened.

Andj ust when you think it's over, he restartst he fucking thing. And we get Death Proof part 2. 1 and a half more hours of bullshit. Then there are some cars, but they don't even crash the ones on the road. Lame. I wanted bodies.

So shuffling out of the theater, QT's obnoxious credits ringing in my ears. I was shattered. I mean, I had forgiven him for Jackie Brown, but this was ridiculous. I had always thought if anyone understood Grindhouse more than me, it'd be QT. I guess not.

Oh, well. There's always Grindhouse 2!!!

Paramount greenlights AIDS MOVIE

Rushing for a Spring '08 release, Paramount has greenlit production on AIDs Movie, to be written and directed by the infamous Zucker Brothers. Says David Zucker: "The thing about all these AIDs movies like Philadelphia, or Rent, or Tuesday's With Morrie, is that they always die in the end. We intend to spoof cliche's like that here."

Camera start rolling next Wednesday, with cast Kal Penn, Charlie Sheen, Leslie Nielson, D. L. Hughley, Carmen Electra, Sylvestor Stallone, Chris Elliot, and Curtis Armstong.

DreamWorks Announces New Film; Pixar cries.

DreamWorks has started production on a new CGI-Animated movie about a 17-year old Manta Ray with ADHD (edgy!) named Jay. Jay the Manta Ray (his name and the title of the movie) must overcome all sorts of obstacles (including an evil principal) to graduate high school. Jay the Manta Ray is set to be released July 4th weekend 2010 and stars Adam Brody, with Chevy Chase, Mandy Moore, Wanda Sykes, Teri Hatcher, and featuring Adam Sandler as the evil Principal Darkray.

Do you hear that my dear blog-readers? Oh yes. It's the death rattle of Pixar. This movie will kick Cars ass so hard. Who needs cars when you got manta rays, angst, and the Dream Team of the Two Adams???

What I most love about this movie is that it takes place in high school. Finally an animation studio is acknowledging that stoner high school kids (and stoner college kids who just can't let go of high school) make up a good chunk of their audience.

Derik Casts The Batman Sequels!!!! - The New Hollywood

As Blogmaster of Bloggaroo Banzai, I am compelled to drive for the greatest movie coverage I could possibly strive for. We here at Bloggaroo Banzai don't just aim to bring you genius movie news, interviews, posters, and the like. We want to bring you daring, state of the edge film analysis you won't find anywhere else. Here at Bloggaroo, you'll begin to see many new faces pop up as we bring more people into the fold, I and many other college-level writer's (none of that CrySpace crap here), with attempt to deliver the harshest of critiques to the system.

These columns, which will chronicle how our team feels about filmaking today, and namely: what we would do if we created....

THE NEW HOLLYWOOD

So without further ado, I present you the flagship installment in this noteworthy series: Who I'D cast in MY Batman movie!


Batman Villians

By Derik Dragamuffin

Alright, first things first. A lot of a-holes out there are gonna have a real big problem with my personal vision of The Bat himself. Now these people just simply don't know Batman like I do, being (self-proclaimed) Bat-Fan # 1. I have every toy and nearly every comic. Plus, there's a whole Batman shelf on my DVD wall. All of my underwear is first-hand Bat emblazened. I think I've got a pretty good understanding of the mind of Bruce Wayne (True Fact: Batman doesn't really like being called Bruce Wayne, the playboy persona really being the disguise. I just had to use it for alliteration).

Now, let me get some facts straightened out about my Batman. First of all, Batman can beat anybody. It's a carnal rule you can't disobey. EVER. Unless you're doing a Year One story, in which Batman MUST make mistakes (fucking Nolan can't even show Batman slipping up in his youth? Assfasmac!) But otherwise he always has a contingency plan (and would beat Superman anyday one of the month, even Smarch.)

Second, no love interests except Catwoman! Now while Catwoman isn't Batman's equal (I think we all know why, man), she is the only one that bring him a raging boner. End of story. Anyone that suggests he's gay is getting shived, ARKHAM prison rules. Batman doesn't fight to save the girl, that's some lame Spiderman shit. Don't make The Bat a man of pussy.

Third, Batman must be DARK. neither Tim Burton, Nolan, even Frank Miller have captured the brutal darkness that should be Batman on film. I'm talking The Mad Hatter is a fucking pedophile that molests little blonde girls, and Killer Croc rapes the shit out of the Penguin right at the endo f the movie when they become cell mates. And The Joker kills a kid. Acid. It'll be pretty nasty. The flesh will melt back, and you can see the kid's teeth. Oooo, and then he goes to cry "Mommy!" but his tongue has started to dissolve, so it's sounds like a muffled "Lolly!" but with Pop Rocks sound.

With production nearing beginning on The Dark Knight, Christopher Nolan's sequel to Batman Begins, many are abuzz about the recent casting of "Heap" Ledger and "Airhorn" Eckhart as The Joker and Two-Face, respectively? As sources tell me the city of Chicago braces for the invasion of the Batmobiles (apparently they use for than one Tumbler for the film, but I'm still keeping my fingers crossed for a multi-Bat car chase. Maybe Joker could hack into one, it worked for The Penguin.) As Bat-Fan #1, many come up to me on the street, asking me who I'd cast if my Bat-film were to ever be conceived by the illiterant minds at Warner Bros. Well, never fear, dear read, for I present these choices now.

Now, as stated, some of you are probably going to disagree, but hey: this isn't no Schumaker Batman. I have a very specific vision for my my inevitable Bat movie will be, an amalgam of 50+ Bat History put through a duck press. And now, on with the choices (brought to life via my professional photoshop community class skills).

TOBIN BELL as Mr. Freeze


Who better to play The Captain of Cold, but Saw himself? Proving onscreen, that his sadistic heart pumps cold blood in the classic trilogy, Bell is the perfect type of veteran character actor that could bring the icey vengeance of Dr. Victor Fries to life. As a bonus, contract Bell's onscreen apprentice Shawnne Smith to don the cryo as wife Norah Fries.

ELISHA CUTHBERT as Poison Ivy


A doll and major loss to the cast of 24, Cuthbert has yet to fully realize her hidden darkness on film. Sure she played the stricken-to-fight heroine of House of Wax (in case you're wondering, it's one of that very film's scenes I manipped here), but even the heroine of a great slasher doesn't get downright evil. Displaying the curvatures needed for such a seductive role, Cuthbert is an obvious choice, even moreso when the new-classic Captivity hits screens (the billboards, man.... amazing) and she emerges as the bankable babe.

KEVIN JAMES as King Tut


One of the most sadly under-used Bat-villians, James would don the pharoah head thingy as first choice Chris Farley has been long dead ("Living in a van down by the river!!!!" Sorry, couldn't resist). The King of Queens would play as the King of Kings perfectly, displaying the chops (literally and metaphorically) as the funny but sensitive sidekick in Hitch, he'd be fabulous for the megalomaniac emperor.

JON HEDER as The Mad Hatter


I can just picture it now: Batman & Robin tied, hanging above a gigantic boiling teecup. Heder would sneer that infamous sneer. "It's tea time, Batman! Gosh!"

HALLE BERRY as Catwoman


If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

BRITTANY MURPHY as Harley Quinn


Glowing in comedies and weeping in deep drama, Murphy has the range AND the experience with comic book material to nail the Clown Princess of Crime. A nice tight leather red and black suit, formed around every vivacious crevice, outlining and highlighting every jiggle and wobble. Mmmmmm.... Murphy.

DAVID LYNCH as The Joker


Many have suggested Crispin Glover before, but I'll go one better: David Lynch. For one, Lynch is fond of his fans, having sent me down the right spiritual path, while Crispin was douche because I didn't buy his poster. You'll get yours. It's about time Lynch got before the camera, and he sports the correct hair and grimace needed for the Joker, much unlike Heap. Go check out Lynch's Eraserhead DVD, here, sit back and listen to his interview. Then picture him as The Joker. BOOM! Goes the Dynamite!.

So, there you have it dear reader. Which do you really want? This fabulous incarnation or Nolan's watered down Miller-wannabe? I challenge you, Christopher Nolan, and THE NEW HOLLYWOOD of Bloggeroo Banzai challenges you, to step up, hit the pitch, and home run the best god damn Batman movie you can. Fire those lamewoids before you make a mistake even graver than jettisoning David S. Goyer from production.

And that is how I see.... The New Hollywood.

Derik Dragamuffin. Out.

Scorcese to direct The Luda Story?

Adding YET ANOTHER to his currently large plate of films, Variety reports that Martin Scorcese and Ludacris will team-up for the film Disturbing The Peace, a fictionalized account of Luda's own career. Paul Haggis has been chosen as the film's screenwriter, pairing him up with Ludacris for a second time (Haggis is the man behind the highly underrated Crash).

300 For The Liberal Douche

I just exerted my person from the denizens of my local theatre with grandoise disgust. For before my visual orbital aids on the digitally projected screen runk the rankest of the rank.

300, directed by mysogynist extraordinaire Zak Snyder, is a movie of flippin' offensive images one unto the other. Snyder, director of Dawn of the Dead, 2004's borish gore grandoise, weaves a web of wholesale "action", nudity, and lateral thinking, all designed to trap and consume each and every viewer (not unlike many of Earth's many venomous/endangered arachnids).

There isn't a single redeeming quality of any character in 300. The men are hulking, testosterone injected roast beefs (you'd think these guys would've at least heard of pacifism), decrying social democracism and promoting blatant facist and totalitarian grandoise.

Every male here is committed to being a soldier (don't even get me started on the film's Pro-Iraq agenda). What kind of message is Hollywood sending us when depicting a filsociety where "ugly" babies are thrown to their blatant deaths based on pure looks alone.

Not even the women are safe. Oh, excuse me, the meat. The females here are merely sex slaves, no surprise, as Hollywood tends to forget that women have had the right to vote since, um....ever. I dare anyone to name me a strong female lead from any mainstream movie of the last five years. You can't do it.

So here's how 300 adds up, on the politico scale:

environmentalism - Shockingly, there's nary an appliance in sight. The 300 don't even use cars, so that's a plus. Their replacement is hardly acceptable.....

animal rights - Rhinos and elephants are used as tanks, thrown off cliffs, and skewered. I'm pretty sure the pelts are real animal, and not a mock up, so thumbs down here.

women's lib - I doubt the filmmaker's have even heard of the term.

freedom of choice - While there are infants being thrown off cliffs, indicating a pro-choice stance here, the overall lunaticism of the facist message negates any valid point the film may have.

capital punishment - The 300 indeed support the death penalty. Heck, they murder a messenger and his bodyguards in cold blood, casting them into a pit execution style, with nary a fair trial in sight.

So if you support bigotry and the prevalant phase of political in-correctness the country i currently in, you'll love 300. If you're a decent person with some actual compassion, you'd better avoid.

I'll be back next week with a review of Grindhouse.

Believe It Or Not - They're Updating Greatest American Hero!

Fresh off the heels of successful pictures a'la The Dukes of Hazard and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, Sony has opted to give '80s series Greatest American Hero a redux. Details are currently scarce, as neither screenwriter nor director has been choiced.

My sources are telling me that the studio is considering Tom Welling for the role, but it's all wrong. Personally, Heroes' Isaac Mendez kind of reminds me of a young William Katt.

If anything is certain, it's that Sony is looking to make a much darker film than one would expect, nixing the comedic route of the source for something for emotional. And Heroes sure has a shitload of scenes like that. But not done in the faggy way that Scrubs keeps doing me with every week.

Fox to Remake 'Big Trouble'...

20th Century Fox announced today that is has signed Ghost Rider's Mark Steven Johnson to helm the upcoming re-imagining of John Carpenter's Big Trouble in Little China. Said Johnson on the project: "It's great because while I wasn't too familiar with the original, friends and family approach me all the time with ideas and suggestions. I'd for one like to see some actual semi action. This certaintly won't be your mother's Big Trouble."

When asked who he envisioned in the role of Jack Burton, Johnson professed an interest in comedian Dane Cook. "As the original was a comedy, there's no doubt in my mind that someone with both chops and humor had to assume the role. That's when I saw Dane Cook's [SNL] monologue. This is our Jack Burton."

Cook's reps refused comment on the casting, and it's currently unknown whether Cook will take the role or not.

Said, John Carpenter, director of the 86 original: "Whatever. It'll be interesting to see. I just get a cut of the check."

This probably means Johnson won't be helming HBO's Preacher (for shame). Personally, being one of the rare few that feels Johnson is cranking out better mainstream fare than the rest of Hollywood, I'm glad. Not a big fan of the original, but if we can expect Thunder and Lightning with full blown, no-holds-barred digital effects (the lightning of the '80s is just sooooooo bad), then I am so there. Opening day.